can i take my mask off yet pls

I haven’t sang in two years. Well like really SANG. I blast Taylor Swift and scream it with the windows down daily, but the last time I sat down at a piano and truly sang had to be about two years ago. 

Two years ago was also the beginning of an extremely toxic relationship that took a large emotional toll on me. Additionally, I don’t know if you all remember, but a world-wide pandemic came about around two years ago now. There were many beginnings that needed to end before they even started. 

For two years I have been in a mask, literally and figuratively. I had a cheating boyfriend (?) while trying to avoid a plague. Adding that one to my resume. But seriously. 

The reality of my situation was I hated myself. I treated myself like an option, therefore I became one to people I thought valued me. I was treated like I was worthless and truly believed that as the truth for a while. This is the hardest part of toxic cycles. They become so comfortable. In a time where everything was unknown, I had something constant. Something that I could go to for the minimum amount of validation that I expanded in my head to be love. When we don’t believe we deserve better, we never receive better. 

I’m not blaming anyone for this, not even myself. Although I let this happen, how could I possibly avoid it when I truly believed it was right at the time? I had become vulnerable for the first time in my life with a guy, and I wasn’t ready for that part of me to be taken away completely. 

On a happier note, after two years I can confidently say I never want to go through anything like that again. I want to be able to be with someone who sees my worth daily, without me feeling as though I need to prove it. I want to be with someone who wants to meet my friends, put me first, and overall want to be with me in the same manner that I want to be with them. One-sided relationships will have you constantly questioning everything. Your head will feel foggy and almost imprisoned while doing the most common tasks. Brush my teeth. Is he talking to another girl behind my back? Make myself breakfast. Do his friends even know I exist? Walk to the store. Does he even like me? Dude. It’s exhausting. Not only are you begging someone to treat you right, but you are mistreating yourself greatly in the process. 

One thing I am sure of, is to never get in a relationship when you don’t completely love yourself. I know you hear that all over those sappy Instagram quote pages, but shit, it might be true. You’ll either be in my shoes, begging to be treated right, or the one doing the mistreating. Everything becomes grey in these situations. I hate grey areas. You either like me and will date me or you don’t and we part ways. The most hurtful thing you can tell someone is that you are unsure of them, or treating them in a manner that says so. How can I be sure of myself if the one person I am putting everything into isn’t even sure of me? Another thing. Never put everything into one person. I know it’s hard when you’re so encapsulated by this validation and lust, but as soon as you do that, you stop paying attention to yourself and your own needs until you are a version of someone you don’t even recognize. You stop singing. You don’t sit at the piano anymore and belt Adele for enjoyment, but you angrily sing sad songs driving home from work. That is not what singing used to be for me. 

I guess the point of this post was not only to get my feelings out and relate to other people going through something similar, but to remind people that life really is not supposed to feel like this. This anxiety and self-doubt is not how the person for you should make you feel. 

Yesterday I was able to hear my own voice the way it sounded two years ago.