“staying in shape” during lockdown #2
One of my first thoughts when America went into a national lockdown was, “Am I going to gain weight?” Imagine living through a global pandemic, and your first thoughts revolve around eating and working out. I felt selfish and ashamed of such thoughts, but at the same time, felt uncontrollable.
I have suffered with disordered eating my entire life, but was not officially diagnosed with an eating disorder until the end of my freshman year of college when I began treatment for it. I never believed I was sick enough. I wasn’t skinny, my blood labs always came back normal, and for me this meant help wasn’t necessary. It took passing out after workouts and not eating pasta for two years to admit to myself I needed to talk to someone. When you are naturally bigger and lose weight, it is seen as success, as a healthy lifestyle change, until this “lifestyle” begins to dictate your every thought.
For many people, including myself, this pandemic has unfortunately amplified mental illnesses. When you are uncertain of the future, and constantly trapped in your own mind, unhealthy behaviors can begin or start again. It is not bad, it is normal.
The issue with eating disorders is, the word “disorder” implies that there is something wrong with you, when these behaviors are often taught and even encouraged by the constant media we see everyday. Being trapped inside with nothing but media platforms telling you that staying in shape is one of the goals of a pandemic is wrong and in my opinion, detrimental.
In my terms, “staying in shape” has nothing to do with the scale and more to do with the state of my mental health, which is often reflected in my physical health. This took me years to figure out, and I am still learning. It would be a lie if I said that my relationship with food and my body is healed. Recovery for me has been far from linear, but I am reaching out on the platform I have to encourage anyone with similar thoughts to not be afraid of seeking help, or even talking to someone you trust about your thoughts. Even if you think you aren’t sick enough, it is often those thoughts that confirm a decline. The best thing I ever did for myself is talk to someone, and while we approach what looks like a second lockdown, it is vital that we “stay in shape.” Not a daily ab workout, but paying attention to what your body needs and wants.
This time has been more than trying for everyone, and if you ever need help, it is more than okay to reach out. You might be saving your own life by doing so.
Also, definitely show my therapist this one.
Resources:
NEDA COVID-19 Resources: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/covid-19-resources-page
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
SAMHSA National Helpline (Addiction Hotline): 1-800-662-4357
National Domestic Violence Hotline/ Resources: https://www.thehotline.org