martini training and talks with Jesus

It is officially fall. I always have trust issues when declaring the fall season change and buying 78 dollars worth of fall candles because it always ends up being 80 degrees the next day. Fall is an interesting time for me. I always seem to undergo large life changes while also battling the fact that I am no longer tan. The only happiness I have is walking the aisles of Target and tallying up the number of pumpkin spice things that should not be pumpkin spice things. Speaking of that, I highly recommend the pumpkin spice tortilla chips from Trader Joes. Trader Joes is the only man who will never screw you over and I stand by that. 

I am going to be candid, this past week has been difficult. I have been “martini training” at work because I tend to wear more of the drink by the time I deliver it to the table, than what is actually in the glass. Martini training is really just the bartender Jill having me walk back and forth with a martini glass full of water while I don’t look at it. A lot of self trust that I do not have. School has picked up and to my surprise I have three midterms next week. Also Trump has COVID-19. There are lights at the end of tunnels. 

Upon all of this, I have also gone through a lot emotionally this week. I created this blog to make people smile but to mostly be honest with myself and have a platform to document my experiences as a 20 year old girl living through 2020. Because no one asked, I will tell you. I let myself go through an eight month talking stage. I know what you’re thinking. Eight. Months. Me too. I am someone who tends to put my all into something. Whether that be “martini training” or a guy who doesn’t value my worth. One is more detrimental than the other. When you like someone, it is hard to remember your own needs. As upsetting as it was to find out that my effort was unmatched, there comes a time when you have to evaluate those situations. What else could I put all this effort into that would reciprocate and make me happy? 

I am a firm believer in the stereotypical “everything happens for a reason.” I mean I hate hearing it from my mom when I can’t find my car keys to leave the house, but other than that I like it. As a control freak, it forces me to let go and believe there is a force stronger than myself that is handing me experiences to grow. For one, eight months ago I didn’t love myself. I didn’t even like myself. Eight months ago I would have continued to put effort into someone who is unsure about me. There is no Beyoncė or Rihanna song that leads you through deciding between someone you like and your own happiness, that in the moment seems to be the same thing. However, there are some Taylor Swift songs that guided me (message me directly for my playlist). After many drives and talks with Taylor (and honestly some prayers to Jesus because I was desperate, no one prays when he likes you back), we came to the conclusion (Taylor, Jesus and I), that if I continue to stick around people who don’t value me, I will never be able to value myself. 

So in the wise words of Taylor Swift, “I am doing good, I’m on some new shit.”

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life is too short to not ask him for his birth time